Backyard Sports Timeout – Where our coaches field parents’ questions about Team Sports and offer ways to make it the Fun, Enriching Experience it’s supposed to be
Q: When we attend my child’s sports matches, my husband often gets overly upset and loudly vocalizes his criticisms to our son and the coach. Not only is this embarrassing, I believe it’s making my son panic during games, so he avoids the ball completely. What’s your advice for dealing with this?
A: We see news stories all the time about parents acting out passionately at their kids’ sports games. This passion sometimes turns into anger or frustration, which results in vocal sideline criticism directed at their child and/or coaches. This behavior has led to a variety of reactions from sports organizers, such as parents signing contracts ensuring “good behavior,” as well as explicit sign postings at sports fields explaining the rules of good conduct. One sports association in Arlington, VA, has gone as far as prohibiting any kind of cheering from the stands.
Personally, I don’t believe that “top down” behavior protocols, such as “Silent Sundays” or “Parent Contracts” effectively change the behavior or culture.
But the bottom line here is how these critical outbursts affect young players during and after the game.
Very often we see a counter effect where the child wants to be out of the spotlight completely. He might be afraid because he doesn’t want the parent to say anything. The child might also withdraw from her teammates because she’s embarrassed at the parent’s behavior. Some kids dread going back into the locker room to change because of the chiding the other teammates can give. Even simple questions from the other kids about why his parent was acting that way can cause severe stress. Children also learn from watching their parents, so some kids watch their parents throwing a fit in the stands or yelling at someone who doesn’t agree and the child begins to learn that it’s OK to be loud and obnoxious.
Children will also dread the car ride home with an angry parent because the parent wants to keep the conversation going. Generally speaking, by the time the game ends, the kid has already forgotten about it, but the parents haven’t. They don’t focus on the big picture; instead, they want to pick apart every little thing that went wrong, which takes away the joy of the sport for many kids.
I think well-meaning parents get distracted during sports games. Parents probably wouldn’t act this way during a practice or watching their kids play in the backyard. When the whistle blows to start the game, parents lose their vision. What they start doing is they focus on the results of sports and not the process. Parents get distracted because the games have become so meaningful in their own minds that successes and failures get amplified. Because the kids are out there and because their actions are not only just being watched by their parents, but by all the other parents, sometimes they see this as a reflection of themselves. A kid falling short on a baseball field when everyone is watching, may get internalized by parents and they become frustrated because they make this connection that it has something to do with their upbringing, and that leads to a lot of angst. I think this weighs heavily on parents because it’s so difficult for them to watch their kids struggle.
The Big Takeaway: What people really need to do is communicate with themselves. They almost have to train themselves even before they go into an athletic contest to say, “you know what, these games are for the benefit of sport, I know that, and I have to be a better monitor of myself because my child deserves better when they’re playing and I don’t need to be part of their experience.” Every parent puts their own game plan together, but they need to rein each other in during the game.
Parents, let’s remember the real reason your child is out there — to have fun, make friends and feel good!
Backyard Sports provides weekend and after school sports instruction and game play for boys and girls ages 4-16 years old. Our programs are designed for EVERY child who desires a positive and healthy sports experience. #CompetitiveSportsDoneRight